Maybe, That's the Keyword Right There
by Shizumi-chan
Summary: It's not like he doesn't know, he's just a bit too scared to tell, that's all.......Lavi/Lenalee.......


**Maybe, That's the Keyword Right There**

He did in fact know about those eyes. How so many of them followed her around, how they all wished she was theirs and theirs alone. He couldn't bring himself to do much of the same, nor could he bring himself to try and stop everyone else. She was in fact, one of the most beautiful people ever to set foot on this planet. Though perhaps, that is an overstatement, and he is just biased. Regardless, it stands that she is in fact very charming (maybe even enchanting) and by all means, good-looking. But even if he thinks that it's not like he can do anything, it's not as if she liked him as much as he liked her. There are so many fish in the sea, and she had the freedom to choose any of them. And, he thinks, it's not as if he is anything special.

He knows that she might choose Allen, because Allen is a good man, and Allen would protect her. But if he was completely honest with himself he wouldn't want her to choose Allen; because Allen would make her cry, and he doesn't want that at all. But if it did happen, he would be the one to hold her hand until she stopped crying, because he's just that kind of friend. It wouldn't be the first time anyway, not that he was happy about that fact. She was a mess when they though Allen had died, deep inside maybe she had already chosen Allen. Or maybe she was actually aware of it too, not that he would ask, he was too terrified to hear the answer.

Yes, maybe he had no hope anymore; maybe it was all over before it even began. Maybe she did already choose someone else. He thinks about Kanda, and how maybe the swordsman and he were on the same boat. Maybe that was why Allen irked Kanda so much. He knew it from the way Kanda looked at her, the way he never bad-mouthed her, the way she became the exempt one from Kanda's moods in general. Kanda liked her more than he liked other people, even if he didn't like her in that way. But he thinks that Kanda does like her that way, it's just that, like he said, Kanda and he were on the same boat. The kind that you can't get out of, where you're stuck, where you can't jump overboard and swim to shore (or another boat at least); it was the kind of boat people who were inexplicably bound by something rode. Allen was not on this boat, not really, that's why she could easily choose the Englishman over him.

Although maybe... Maybe all this about boats is just stupid. Maybe he had a choice too; maybe Allen wasn't the only one who can swim to shore. Maybe didn't need to go by the usual bookman rules. Maybe. That's the keyword there. Maybe is not always a yes, nor is it always a no. It gives both answers a fifty percent chance of occurring......................Maybe he was just a coward.

"You and I are different" Kanda is not as oblivious as he would like to take him for "You have a choice"

He tries to smile, but does not really succeed "Do you really think I can so easily get out of it?" he looks at the floor "Do you think I even really want it?"

He knows he's being glared at, Kanda was like that, "You and I are definitely not like other people" the swordsman grabbed him by the neck, and he could not breath much at all "But you're gonna LIVE when this all ends, I won't" when his neck is released he coughs loud and strained "Get that in your head rabbit"

And because he values his life he does not retort.

..............................

He's entirely content with being just a friend. And though that's a blatant lie, it's what he wants to be the truth. Now the truth doesn't exactly hurt for him, but that doesn't mean that it isn't scary. Sometimes scary is worse. Like now. Because he doesn't know, and no one else knows, and it isn't one of the things that a Bookman is taught to decipher, these are the type of things he can only write down. He thinks that maybe he wrote himself off too soon, maybe he was just a coward, and maybe he was just overly paranoid. She didn't seem to treat anyone in a special manner, and yes, anyone included himself. Still, the way she mourned for Allen, she'd do the same thing if it was he who died right? She was just that kind of person...

"I'm glad everyone's ok" is what she'd say whenever a battle ends, and he's glad at least he's part of the 'everyone' she's glad about. She really is just too good for anyone, much too good. "What's wrong?" she'd ask, when he ends up spacing out. Which happens a lot lately, because it's not as if anyone can stay completely the same after learning all these crazy crud, like finding out one of your friends is becoming the enemy, or that one of your friends isn't even really human, or that one of your dearest friends has suspiciously suspicious Innocence; and it was not like he could do anything about it. All he could do was watch, and write. Such was the role of a bookman.

"What's wrong?" it takes a few seconds for him to figure out that it ISN'T a dream, and that she's just THERE, talking to him

"Ah... Nothing..." he replies, and he thinks he isn't lying, because there IS nothing wrong... with him at least.... mostly...

"Are you sure?" and her eyebrows furrow in concern, it'd be an absolutely adorable sight, if it wasn't so hard to look at her (It's not what you think, it's not painful to look at her, for him, it's just plain hard, there wasn't any actual reason, it was just for some reason, increasingly difficult).

He tries to smile, and much like the time with Kanda, he fails. Her face visibly falls, which told him that she thinks that he isn't fine at all. "It's nothing" he finds himself repeating "Nothing serious" and this he adds for good measure, so that he doesn't lie to her, and so he doesn't lie to himself... much...

Ok he's becoming a tad bit pathetic isn't he? Before she can say that he isn't fine, or even pull a face, he stands up, and grins "Panda's gonna get pissed if I don't get back to him... So I'll see you" and because he's beaming at her, and because it looks genuine, she smiles back, and waves goodbye.

"See you" she says and then he finds himself, so idiotically happy.

He teases Kanda on purpose later, just so he gets a good smack while walking in the halls.

............................

It isn't all crappy. No really. He's just over-thinking everything. He's got a shot, a good one. REALLY good one. A DAMN good one. This is him pumping himself up. Nothing wrong with that. It's a good thing right?

"This..." Kanda says "... is getting ridiculous" despite what the swordsman makes it seem like, he is actually something akin to 'friends' with him "TELL HER" Kanda all but shouts

"What would I gain?" he asks laughingly

"How would I know?"

"See? That's exactly why I don't wanna tell her"

"You damn rabbit" Kanda grits his teeth "That's exactly why you should tell her"

He looks at Kanda, almost teasingly "So I'd find out?"

"So you'd get it fuckin' over with"

"I'm not sure I want to be OVER with it"

Kanda rolls his eyes, and gives him a good hard smack.

...........................

Why was he following Kanda's advice? This was in no way a good idea. In NO way. Maybe. He'd find out soon enough, because she's right there. And he told her he had something to say, no turning back now. When he tells her, he brings it nice and slow, then after the last word leaves his mouth he snaps his eyes shut as if preparing to get hit. But of course, nothing of the sort happens, and he's forced to slowly open his eyes to see her expression.

**It is decidedly good news.**

...........................

(**a/n:**I felt like writing for a het pairing for once. I think I write too much BL. Lol. Anyway. I'm not exactly new at this pairing ("When the Black Order Acknowledges Theater" was LaviLena on the side) but this is the first time I did... well something like this for them. And because I'm biased, Kanda was my favourite part here. Haha! I think this turned out a bit too antsy (or angsty?) or just plain weird... Anyway, I'd appreciate reviews... Het isn't an easy thing to write for me, ahaha...)

**EDIT: THIS IS NOW.... EDITED 8D**


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